Toxic people
We all have toxic people in our lives, but we don't always recognize who they are until after they've poisoned us. If you are reading this and you think it's written about you, then you may very well be the toxic person in someone else's life. Don't worry, if it is you, then keep reading and I'll try to give you some tips on how to change and be a better person.
Recognizing the toxicity
This seems like it would be fairly easy to do, but unfortunately, people aren't always toxic from the start, some become that way over time. What causes someone to become a poisonous influence? It could be any number of things- a shitty home life, a bad marriage, being unhappy at work, being unhappy about how they look or how their own level of success compares to others or maybe even just a lack of healthy hobbies. Regardless of what made, or makes, them this way- what matters most is that you recognize what they are, instead of why they are that way. You can't fix a miserable person that doesn't want to be fixed, you'll just get poisoned by their negativity.
If you're the person who has become envenomed, then it's your job to figure out why you are this way and to fix it. You need to fix your own problems and stop spreading your necrosis to others.
The easiest way to recognize a toxic person is to just listen to them for a few minutes. Are they always bitching? Are they the person that gets everything they want, but complain that it's not enough? Do they hurl insults at you when you are happy or if something positive happens to you? They are typically the person that, when you get a new motorcycle, they say something like "it must be nice to be able to afford that" or if you get a promotion at work they say "how much ass did you have to kiss for that?" Sound familiar?
You can also recognize these venomous malefactors by the way that they interact with you and when. For example- when you don't hear from someone for months or longer and they send you a text or call you and ask you to help them do something. You, being the good person you are, agree to help them and once the task is complete, they disappear from your life once again. Those should be easy enough to recognize, but we often fail to see them as toxic, because they are so nice and appreciative when you're helping them, that you actually believe that you are friends.
Toxic people also love to insult you behind your back- some even do it right to your face, but because you have mistaken them for friends, you just figure it's friendly banter. They will take your words, twist them to fit their vindictive narrative, then play the victim when they get caught up in their own web of drama. They live in drama and thrive in their own self absorption.
Still not sure how to recognize them? Look for the perpetual victims in your life. Whatever misfortune may befall them, it is never their fault. Toxic people never take responsibility for their own mistakes or failures. They also never thank the ones that help them succeed at something.
Misery loves company
Toxic people thrive in animosity, doubt, loathing, anger and jealousy. They are bitter and angry and their bitterness can only be quelled by bringing other people down and making them miserable with them. They can't be satisfied until everyone around them is swimming in their pit of despair. They love to bring others down. Do you remember the character from the early 2000's Saturday Night Live skits, Debbie Downer? Yeah... that character, while she may have been played on TV by the comedic actress, Rachel Dratch, is actually a real live person that you know and is in your life, right now. Are you having a great day at the park? Don't worry, Debbie Downer will come in and tell you all about how the park was built using money that was supposed to go to building a new children's hospital. Oh what's that, did you get a new car? Oh, here comes D.D. to tell you how her car broke down and she can't afford to repair it (even though she just spent that same amount of money on a new necklace for her dog). What's that, you say you are getting married? Well now, D.D. is on her way to tell you all about all of her failed relationships.
Of course, the real life Debbie Downer isn't always a woman. No, no... sometimes Debbie Downer is actually Donald Downer. That's right, anyone can be a Downer for the low, low price of your happiness. And they will take your happiness. They will call you a "company man" if you get promoted, or say that you are "drinking the kool-aid" if you find any happiness at work. They will try to humiliate you if you are feeling good about yourself and will insult you and call it "teasing." They want what you have- your happiness, and they will stop at nothing to take it from you.
Be the antivenom
This is tricky, I won't lie. It's tricky because more than likely, you've read this post this far and said to yourself- "shit, that's me... I've done some of that stuff." If so, congratulations- you're well on your way to becoming the antivenom that you and others in your life need you to be.
Look, the bottom line is, we're all a little toxic. We have good days and we have shit days. Currently, as I write this, I'm going through one of the most difficult times of my life. I'm hurting and I don't like to hurt. But you know something? No matter how shitty I feel, I'm not going to do something or say something to bring someone else down or make them feel bad, not intentionally anyway.
So, what do you do if you are that toxic person in someone else's life? Here's some pro tips for you (don't worry, they are simple):
- Don't be a dick.
- Think about other people and how they feel.
- Remember that the person you are being a shithead to, may be going through one of the worst times in their life, but you don't know about it because you have only been thinking about yourself.
- Stop thinking about yourself ALL OF THE TIME.
- Be a better person.
- Do good things for other people without the expectation of getting something in return.
- Be a good person.
- Be honest.
- Be fair.
- Be selfless.
- Be helpful.
- Give truthful, genuine compliments.
- Be happy for other people when they have a good day.
- Be sympathetic.
- Be kind.
- Be supportive.
- Be nice.
It's okay to be upset if you don't win, get passed up for promotion, lose that sale or get overlooked for a job well done. It's okay to be annoyed that someone else got something that you wanted or you felt like you deserved. But, it's not okay to shit on their happiness. It's never okay to sabotage someone else's joy, peace or happiness, so don't do it. Ever. Be a better person, or be prepared to be a lonely, miserable person for a very long time.
Cut 'em loose
So what do you do if you have a toxic person in your life? Don't give them your time. As soon as you recognize it- call them out and remind them that they are being a dick. Tell them the truth and how they are making you feel. If they are truly your friend, they will understand and try to be better. If they don't- cut them loose and don't look back. There are good people out there that truly only want the best for you- those are your friends. You'll recognize them by the fact that you've been friends with them for years and they've never asked you for a single thing. They have asked you for nothing except your friendship.
I would rather be alone than be with people that are constantly trying to bring me down or shit on my happiness. There have been times in my life that I have been able to count my friends on one hand and I'm okay with that. You should be too, because some of those people, who you consider to be your friends, are the same ones whose fingerprints are on the knife that's in your back. You don't need them in your life- so let them go be miserable in someone else's life.
Listen folks, being a good person isn't difficult. Too many people have forgotten how to live by the Golden Rule- "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Maybe they got confused by the verbiage, so here it is, in plain terms: treat people like you want to be treated and don't be a dick.
Find joy and be happy
I'm not suggesting that we pretend our problems don't exist, far from it. I'm suggesting that we recognize our own deficiencies and we work on bettering ourselves and being better people to share the earth with. When you share in other people's happiness, you become happy; when you indulge someone in their misery, or worse- you spread your misery to someone else, everyone suffers. Do you want to be happy? Then be happy. Just don't shit on someone else's happiness, or one day, someone you think is your friend, might just shit on yours.
As for me, I genuinely wish each of you happiness and joy, laughter and love, peace and comfort. May you all find true happiness that doesn't come at the cost of someone else's and of course...
... ride safe and make good choices.
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Written on 01/08/2021... before my world got a little darker.
Courage, Serenity & Wisdom forever. I love you dad. |
